2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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