Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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