i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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