Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize