go do what you do best...puke behind churches
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
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I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
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So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
You don't make any sense
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