Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
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when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
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Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
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