No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize