swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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