she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
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