guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Randomize
