where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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