false alarm. still invincible.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Randomize
