I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
