are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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