I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
