bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
