As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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