You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..