I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Randomize
