Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Randomize
