meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Randomize
