you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
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They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
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The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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