I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
