I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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