hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Randomize
