I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
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