Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Randomize
