my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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