So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
