Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
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