You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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