I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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