I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
