The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Randomize
