The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
