my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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