you told grandpa to call you daddy
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Randomize
