i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
