Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
