I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
As shirtless as possible
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
