dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Randomize