My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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