woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
