Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Randomize
