My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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