Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
