Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
