i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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