My Higher Power is John Stamos
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
