He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
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i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
he fucked my hip out of place.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
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why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
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I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.