If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.