When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people