Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Four minutes until I can fart!
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
