The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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