hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
