Sorry, I don't speak sober.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Randomize
