I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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