Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
