Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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