I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
