I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
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