wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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